Training Teens to Act Responsibly

Wouldn’t you just be devastated if your college freshman called you in a panic and passed the phone to the registrar to attempt to get into a closed class? They are so used to parents solving their problems that they are incapable to work through them alone. I guess this is pretty common. How scary!

Many of us realized that we need to start “weaning” our teens into making some of their own decisions. It is so easy to fall into the trap of involving ourselves in our children’s lives for their best interest. For many cases, this is necessary. We can’t be an expert in everything our child encounters, but we can be their advocate. We can push back when the doctor dismisses a symptom when your child is sick, and we can meet with teachers when there is a communication gap with a project. But, at some point, we need to step back and let our child find their own voice.

This chapter discussed ways we can damage our teen’s self-concept, and ways to build their self-concept. We can build our teens’ self-concept by showing unconditional love, model healthy self-concept yourself, communicate that you value your teen, your teen can think, and your teen have control, and provide chances for teens to own their decisions.

“We’d like to be able to help our kids, but ironically, this strong desire to help and care for other people can become our worst enemy in caring for our teens. If this desire leads to overprotection, it will thwart opportunities for them to learn responsibility.” Oy.

We discussed  that we have felt that we always need to have a meaningful consequence to any action ready in our back pocket, and once we declare a consequence, it can’t be revoked. This isn’t true. It is okay to tell your teen that you need to think about what happened, and that they need to go to their room while you think (and pray!). This way they can ponder what they did and what you will do. Also, if you react to a situation and regret the consequence you gave, it’s okay to come back to your teen (not so much with younger children) and tell them that you have given the situation more thought and have changed your mind. It will provide an opportunity to discuss the scenario more objectively, and also give you a chance to apologize for overreacting if this happened.

Another favorite quote is: “Lessons always cost more tomorrow than they do today, so the earlier our adolescents are allowed to face the consequences of their decisions and learn from them, the better.”

So, we decided that we need to rehearse a few lines to help us not to react to a situation. Be very honest and sincere when you say, “Oh, bummer! That is really too bad this happened.” Teens see right through sarcasm and you really need to mean it. Empathy is really powerful. Then you gently say, “So. What are you going to do about it?”

Last favorite quote from the book, “As the parent, you must also focus on what is controllable by telling your teens what you are going to do, not what they are going to do.”

It’s all about letting go. We are all working ourselves out of a job, right? J

Teenagers 101

This was a little scary. The first chapter of “Parening Teens with Love & Logic” gave examples of parents who chose to leave their teens in jail a little bit and didn’t bail them out as soon as possible. We sat at the table, looking around at each other in shock.  I found myself saying, “I hope my worst scenario is dealing with a speeding ticket or a fender-bender!” I never thought I’d say that!

Chapter 2 proves to be more inspiring, and I’m looking forward to jumping into that chapter, but this first chapter did serve as a great reminder of the value of discipline and consequences today. We had some great brainstorming ideas of different consequences for little things our teens do when they disobey. One mom has found a “consequence spinner” at http://shop.fisher-kids.com . This way the teen spins the spinner and a consequence to poor behavior is decided. There is even a “grace space!” Another mom had a jar with random chores in it for their children to grab from. This way parents don’t have to come up with something on the spot.

We all agreed that the spinner or jar would be great for smaller infractions, but good parenting is doing the right thing when the wrong thing happens. We want to teach our teens for figure out for themselves how to make good choices. “Using Love & Logic doesn’t mean we transfer all our answers or values to our teens. Instead we help place them in situations where they can discover answers and values on their own.”

We talked about how extremely our teens are changing, and that the rules of the game never seem to stay the same long enough for us stay on top of things.  Many of us agreed that the following quote is something we need to have in our back pocket: “I love you too much to argue with you, and I am in no state to solve this right now, but you (…fill in the blank of wrong choice…) and you are going to have to find a solution for this. Let’s go to bed and we can discuss it again later. Let me know what you figure out.”

The rest of this book is chock full of a fresh mind-set that will give our teens wings. We will learn that parents should take care of themselves first, let our children own their own problems, and allow them to live with the consequences of their decisions.

Bring it.

See you Thursday at Symposium Coffee in Sherwood at 10am.
~k

"Communication" with Krina Mallgren

When you go to a foreign country, and you do not speak their language, you are in a pickle. When your teen leaves the house and if you do not have good communication, you are in a pickle. What can we do to establish great communication that will carry us through our teen’s adult life?
Krina Mallgren, who works with the high school ministry at Rolling Hills Community Church, had some great pointers and profound points. She said, “Communication is how a teen shapes their identity. It’s how they identify what they think of themselves.”

She said that communication is built on trust. Not whether or not you have trust, but if your trust expanding. As your teen grows and matures, are they able to safely share themselves with you? We should realize that just as youth group students are not expect to initiate a friendship with their adult leader, parents need to initiate a relationship with their teen. Krina recommended that parents need to get into their teen’s world. What do they like, what hobbies do they have? She encouraged us not to let fear or comfort drive you in this quest. She said we will feel awkward and oddly placed, but it is crucial.

So, as a group, we shared ideas of different ways we can invade our teen’s lives. One suggestion was to simply take them to lunch every now and then and chat. Request that the teen doesn’t invite friends to lunch, too. J (Although sometimes, that’s not bad either!) One mom encouraged her son’s “extreme couponing” ideas, and they saved a ton of money! We also realized that we can simply ask our teens what they’d like to do to spend time together.

Another fantastic, profound point Krina made was that our teen builds their own identity. We can encourage them, but ultimately it’s up to the teen. As they are building their identity, we need to speak into them deliberately. Do we gush about how beautiful our daughter is when she’s dressed for the prom, but not when she is kind to her younger brother? Do we talk about how proud we are of our son when he scores the winning goal, but not when he shows good sportsmanship when the team loses? If we build up our teen with praise over accomplishments, we can be setting them up for a huge identity crisis when they are no longer able to accomplish those things. It’s easy to imagine that the 4.0 student is devastated when they struggle to get a C in Physics. They will be shaken to their core when they can’t maintain their identity.

We need to affirm the character traits that are ongoing for life. What about being proud of honesty, effort, friendship and loyalty? We need to speak into their unique individuality. Catch your teen doing something good and compliment it clearly. When you say you admire something they did, you are treating them as a young adult, as a peer. When you say you are proud of them, it’s a little condescending…like you are patting them on the head.

As parents, we need to release the pressure of responsibility of your teen creating their identity. They need to be their own person, and we can help shape that by affirming and complimenting positive character traits they will take with them their whole life.

Krina suggested that we not tell our teens what do to. This just sets up a confrontation. Instead, she suggests that we set boundaries, offer choices and ask questions. Guide the conversation towards a healthy decision. She said to draw our possible outcomes of different options they are considering.  Ask the teen what they are thinking of doing, and take it to the logical next step and consequence. Listen to their response, and maybe suggest another idea or option for them to choose, and take that to the logical next step. Compliment them on your confidence they will make a good choice (within the boundaries you have set), and walk away.  Life will create its own rewards and consequences to their choice.

Here is a common scenario Krina shared with us. Your teen wants to go and hang out with friends on Saturday afternoon, but the family rules are that their chores need to be done first. They haven’t done their chores. So, it’s common that you ask your teen, “Are your chores done?” When they say no, the argument commences. Sound familiar? Krina suggests this response instead, “You are welcome to go hang out with your friends when your chores are done.” Then when they get mad, you say, “I’ll be happy to chat with you when you are calm. You can find me in the kitchen.” And walk away. Most likely, they will finish their chores and approach you to see friends. Instead of being a tyrant that doesn’t allow fun, you are inviting them to follow the guidelines that have been already established. You are not saying no! You are putting the responsibility on them to complete what is expected of them.

This lines up nicely with our next book, “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic.” If you do not have your copy, please contact me, and we can coordinate getting it to you very soon. Next week, please read chapter one, and I will see you then!

~kristi J