Krina Mallgren, who works with the high school ministry at Rolling Hills Community Church, had some great pointers and profound points. She said, “Communication is how a teen shapes their identity. It’s how they identify what they think of themselves.”
She said that communication is built on trust. Not whether or not you have trust, but if your trust expanding. As your teen grows and matures, are they able to safely share themselves with you? We should realize that just as youth group students are not expect to initiate a friendship with their adult leader, parents need to initiate a relationship with their teen. Krina recommended that parents need to get into their teen’s world. What do they like, what hobbies do they have? She encouraged us not to let fear or comfort drive you in this quest. She said we will feel awkward and oddly placed, but it is crucial.
So, as a group, we shared ideas of different ways we can invade our teen’s lives. One suggestion was to simply take them to lunch every now and then and chat. Request that the teen doesn’t invite friends to lunch, too. J (Although sometimes, that’s not bad either!) One mom encouraged her son’s “extreme couponing” ideas, and they saved a ton of money! We also realized that we can simply ask our teens what they’d like to do to spend time together.
Another fantastic, profound point Krina made was that our teen builds their own identity. We can encourage them, but ultimately it’s up to the teen. As they are building their identity, we need to speak into them deliberately. Do we gush about how beautiful our daughter is when she’s dressed for the prom, but not when she is kind to her younger brother? Do we talk about how proud we are of our son when he scores the winning goal, but not when he shows good sportsmanship when the team loses? If we build up our teen with praise over accomplishments, we can be setting them up for a huge identity crisis when they are no longer able to accomplish those things. It’s easy to imagine that the 4.0 student is devastated when they struggle to get a C in Physics. They will be shaken to their core when they can’t maintain their identity.
We need to affirm the character traits that are ongoing for life. What about being proud of honesty, effort, friendship and loyalty? We need to speak into their unique individuality. Catch your teen doing something good and compliment it clearly. When you say you admire something they did, you are treating them as a young adult, as a peer. When you say you are proud of them, it’s a little condescending…like you are patting them on the head.
As parents, we need to release the pressure of responsibility of your teen creating their identity. They need to be their own person, and we can help shape that by affirming and complimenting positive character traits they will take with them their whole life.
Krina suggested that we not tell our teens what do to. This just sets up a confrontation. Instead, she suggests that we set boundaries, offer choices and ask questions. Guide the conversation towards a healthy decision. She said to draw our possible outcomes of different options they are considering. Ask the teen what they are thinking of doing, and take it to the logical next step and consequence. Listen to their response, and maybe suggest another idea or option for them to choose, and take that to the logical next step. Compliment them on your confidence they will make a good choice (within the boundaries you have set), and walk away. Life will create its own rewards and consequences to their choice.
Here is a common scenario Krina shared with us. Your teen wants to go and hang out with friends on Saturday afternoon, but the family rules are that their chores need to be done first. They haven’t done their chores. So, it’s common that you ask your teen, “Are your chores done?” When they say no, the argument commences. Sound familiar? Krina suggests this response instead, “You are welcome to go hang out with your friends when your chores are done.” Then when they get mad, you say, “I’ll be happy to chat with you when you are calm. You can find me in the kitchen.” And walk away. Most likely, they will finish their chores and approach you to see friends. Instead of being a tyrant that doesn’t allow fun, you are inviting them to follow the guidelines that have been already established. You are not saying no! You are putting the responsibility on them to complete what is expected of them.
This lines up nicely with our next book, “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic.” If you do not have your copy, please contact me, and we can coordinate getting it to you very soon. Next week, please read chapter one, and I will see you then!
~kristi J
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