Love and Responsibility

“Freedom and responsibility are opposite sides of the same coin – one never exists without the other.” Yup. As adults functioning in today’s world, we know this is true. We are allowed the freedom of having lights in the house as long as we pay the electric bill on time. The trick is parenting your teen to discover this for themselves.

Chapman points out that “the idea that teenagers will rebel if parents establish boundaries is untrue. In fact, research indicates that ‘the majority of adolescents feel that their parents are reasonable and patient with them most of the time. More than half admit ‘when my parents are strict, I feel that they are right, even when I get angry.’” We all agreed that this was encouraging. Let’s not assume that our teens are going to flip out if we say “no.”

Here is an interesting idea: include your teen with the process of forming rules and setting consequences. Have a meeting together and discuss what is a reasonable expectation and a reasonable consequence. Parents are still the authority and have the final say, but they will be wiser for hearing out their teen. Often, the teen is more strict with the consequence ideas than the parent. Also, Chapman points out that the teen will believe the rule is fair and less likely to rebel if they had a voice in the process. Have you tried this? Here’s how:

1: Rules should be as few as possible. Decide what the really important issues are. The objective is to create boundaries in which your teen will make healthy choices. God came up with the Ten Commandments, and Jesus summarized them into two. We aren’t God, but keep it to a minimum.

2: Rules should be as clear as possible. This way the teen knows they have broken the rule. Otherwise, you are certain to have an argument about exactly how they didn’t break the rule. J

3: Rules should be as fair as possible. Listen to your teen. This is really important and can make all the difference.

Next, Chapman discusses consequences. He states that rules with no consequences are worthless and confusing. Here are three of his guidelines:

1: Consequences should be determined before a violation. This is huge, and has made a big difference in my house. When a rule is broken, parent and teen knows what happens next. The parent is less likely to overreact in anger or frustration, and the teen is more likely to accept the consequence.

2: Consequences should be administered with love. This isn’t a time for vengeance, but a time to show unconditional love. Sympathize with them genuinely, but don’t back off for a second!

3: Consequences should be administered consistently. Duh. J

Next Chapman discussed how to grow responsibility in your teen. Basically, establish things they need to do, and rewards for doing it, and consequences for not doing it. Some areas to do this are: housework, schoolwork, driving, money management and dating. It is tricky to come up with fresh consequences that relate to the responsibility, and our group has discussed coming up with a “creative consequences” list. We will start compiling our ideas and post them on the blog sometime soon.

Stay posted!

~kristi J