Awkward, weird and difficult...talking to your teens about sex

Terra Mattson, a Family & Marriage Counselor, talked to us about "Talking to your teens about sex." Okay. This will be awkward, weird and difficult, so let’s just jump in. J

Terra said that best thing parents can do for their kids is to talk about sex a lot. Let it be a daily discussion. It’s awkward and hard, but crucial. Sex gets such a shameful and dirty connotation, and that can be broken by parents creating an environment where teens can talk freely.

When talking to your teens in general, Terra recommends five basic steps. 1) When your teen is talking…go mute. Just don’t talk at all. 2) When they have made their point, mirror it back to them (without emotion!) and ask if there is a point you have missed. 3) Find some way to validate something they said. It shows you heard and can come alongside them in one aspect or another. 4) Have empathy for how they feel. It doesn’t mean you agree with them, but you can understand why they might feel the way they do. Finally, when they are relaxed because they have been heard, 5) ask their permission to share your thoughts. If they say ‘no,’ then respect their wishes and the conversation is over. Most often, they will agree and will listen to your two cents on the issue. To recap:

1)   Go mute
2)   Mirror their point
3)   Validate something
4)   Empathy for their feelings
5)   Ask permission to share

We want to be the teachers of this subject. School and society and friends usually have it all wrong. Besides the physical act, sex is all about bonding with someone. Talk about how great it is rather than it being a great taboo that is bad. You can be the only voice in your teen’s life explaining that sex is good and wonderful in a committed relationship.

Terra gave a few great examples to share with your teen to demonstrate how you bond with someone when you have sex. Take a paper heart, and explain that every time you have sex with someone, you rip off a piece of your heart and give it away. You can encourage your teen to keep their heart whole for when they are married.

A question you can ask your teen is “What do you want to be?” Encourage them to create healthy boundaries for relationships, and even role play situations they may encounter when on a date. Terra’s experience is that many clients have come to her saying, “I just didn’t know what to do” or “I didn’t understand what was happening” in a crisis situation.

There is a difference between shame and guilt, Terra explained. Shame says, “I am bad, something’s wrong with me.” Guilt says, “I did something wrong, but I can make it right.” Don’t produce shame in your teens! Children seem themselves through their parent’s eyes, even when they are older. So, you can make all the difference in the world.

Terra recommended any book by Danna Gresh (PureFreedom.org) to ask your kids to read, or read together. You can find a list of other resources at Terra’s website: LivingWholehearted.com.

See you Thursday!
~ kristi J

Treating Teenagers as Responsible Adults

We started our discussion with some moms sharing various victories with keeping calm and quiet when they know they would have panicked even a few weeks ago.  It is so exciting to discover that we can change the atmosphere in our homes and reduce drama!

As we reviewed Chapter 4, we talked about the “V of Love” by Sylvia B. Rimm, PhD on page 71. It made sense to us as it was presented in the book, but a few moms could think of a few exceptions to the example. We could think of people who have raised their kids with little or no control as children and have had to “tighten the reins” as they grow older. We also recognize that it is ideal to allow fewer choices as our children are young and broaden their choices the older they are. However, what about adults who are now control freaks? Where did that come from? We also noted that some parents don’t have a “v” but more of a ladder with continuous control regardless of the age of their children. These must be questions for Dr. Rimm. One mom summed up this part of this discussion well when she said, “We can either repeat or redeem our childhood problems.” J

Chapter 4 talked about different things we can and cannot control with teens. Three things we need to control are 1) respect from teens and from parents, 2) basic conduct in family life, and 3) control of the home environment. Things parents can’t control are: making a teen speak, share our values, and forcing them to learn. Instead, parents need to advise, ask questions and present options. We were thinking of coming up with a wall decoration saying “advise, ask questions, present options” as a reminder.

One question that was raised was if teens have enough abstract thinking abilities to understand the big picture of why it’s important to chores such as clean the toilet. We talked about they are building skills for setting up their own place, and that household chores simply need to be done. There is a cause and effect for maintaining your home, or other healthy habits.

We need to offer our teens choices that they can freely choose from where we are comfortable with any answer they choose. “If we tell them do to something we can’t make them do, we give them too much control.” This means we need to be thoughtful of our responses to situations. It was refreshing to be reminded that it’s usually best to delay our response when we are inwardly freaking out, and take time to consider many options and maybe consult others. We liked the word choices mentioned on page 79, “You’re welcome to _ or_.” “Feel free to _ or _.” “Would you rather _ or _?” or “What would be best for you,  _ or _?” Good stuff!

Much of this chapter talked about how to speak to your teens, and it’s very positive. Instead of telling teens what they can’t do, we can focus on what we will allow, what we will do, or what we will provide. Instead of saying, “I’m not driving you to the dance until your homework is done.” You say, “I’m happy to drive you to the dance when your homework is done.” Same action and boundaries, but it puts the decision on the teen. A subtle and powerful difference.

This chapter has a lot of nuts and bolts of how to interact with teens and we agreed that it was a lot to process. We have a guest speaker next week, and many of us are going to reread the chapter and ask our husbands to as well.

Terra Mattson, a local Marriage & Family Therapist will be joining us March 8^th to discuss talking to our teens about sex. Wahoo! J

See you then! ~kristi