Treating Teenagers as Responsible Adults

We started our discussion with some moms sharing various victories with keeping calm and quiet when they know they would have panicked even a few weeks ago.  It is so exciting to discover that we can change the atmosphere in our homes and reduce drama!

As we reviewed Chapter 4, we talked about the “V of Love” by Sylvia B. Rimm, PhD on page 71. It made sense to us as it was presented in the book, but a few moms could think of a few exceptions to the example. We could think of people who have raised their kids with little or no control as children and have had to “tighten the reins” as they grow older. We also recognize that it is ideal to allow fewer choices as our children are young and broaden their choices the older they are. However, what about adults who are now control freaks? Where did that come from? We also noted that some parents don’t have a “v” but more of a ladder with continuous control regardless of the age of their children. These must be questions for Dr. Rimm. One mom summed up this part of this discussion well when she said, “We can either repeat or redeem our childhood problems.” J

Chapter 4 talked about different things we can and cannot control with teens. Three things we need to control are 1) respect from teens and from parents, 2) basic conduct in family life, and 3) control of the home environment. Things parents can’t control are: making a teen speak, share our values, and forcing them to learn. Instead, parents need to advise, ask questions and present options. We were thinking of coming up with a wall decoration saying “advise, ask questions, present options” as a reminder.

One question that was raised was if teens have enough abstract thinking abilities to understand the big picture of why it’s important to chores such as clean the toilet. We talked about they are building skills for setting up their own place, and that household chores simply need to be done. There is a cause and effect for maintaining your home, or other healthy habits.

We need to offer our teens choices that they can freely choose from where we are comfortable with any answer they choose. “If we tell them do to something we can’t make them do, we give them too much control.” This means we need to be thoughtful of our responses to situations. It was refreshing to be reminded that it’s usually best to delay our response when we are inwardly freaking out, and take time to consider many options and maybe consult others. We liked the word choices mentioned on page 79, “You’re welcome to _ or_.” “Feel free to _ or _.” “Would you rather _ or _?” or “What would be best for you,  _ or _?” Good stuff!

Much of this chapter talked about how to speak to your teens, and it’s very positive. Instead of telling teens what they can’t do, we can focus on what we will allow, what we will do, or what we will provide. Instead of saying, “I’m not driving you to the dance until your homework is done.” You say, “I’m happy to drive you to the dance when your homework is done.” Same action and boundaries, but it puts the decision on the teen. A subtle and powerful difference.

This chapter has a lot of nuts and bolts of how to interact with teens and we agreed that it was a lot to process. We have a guest speaker next week, and many of us are going to reread the chapter and ask our husbands to as well.

Terra Mattson, a local Marriage & Family Therapist will be joining us March 8^th to discuss talking to our teens about sex. Wahoo! J

See you then! ~kristi