April 5, 2012
We have all said it, usually with great volume and exasperation: “What were you thinking?” Why is it that our once intelligent and rational 10 year old has morphed into a thoughtless ding dong 13 year old? When they were 10, they’d put on a coat when it was raining. When they are 13 they stand in the rain getting soaked. Is it just me, or did my teenager turn into a moron? Branden Campbell, the high school youth pastor at Rolling Hills Community Church has some answers.
It’s normal. Really. Expect it. Don’t freak out, and don’t worry…they will get over it. When they are 25. Yippee.
It has been discovered (by those who study these things) that the human brain is not fully developed at age 13 like previously thought. When a person is somewhere between the ages of 11 and 13, their brain goes through a growth spurt of sorts and transitions from concrete thinking to abstract thinking. This transition is messy and they need to figure things out all over again. When they say they “forgot” to wash the dishes…they probably did.
For example, your teen could give a touching monologue of how much they love you. Then, they turn around and 30 minutes later do something that absolutely crushes you. They don’t understand why you are upset. Their brain simply cannot connect their actions and the words they just spoke. They cannot think through the consequences of their actions, and they can’t think through other scenarios that could have happened. This is another reason why it seems they live a double life. They act one way at youth group, and another way at school.
Great. Now what? How do we function with this? How do we parent?
Branden recommended that we really focus on walking our teens through responsibility lessons. We need to continue to expect things to be done, and natural consequences to follow. Logic needs to be taught. Our current book, “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic” falls perfectly into this suggestion.
He also recommends that you encourage your teen to be involved with other adult mentors that can help them find new ways to answer their faith and life questions. Now that their brain is abstract, the old answers just don’t work anymore. When your teen was 10, you could teach them that God is love and they could accept that. When they are 13, they are more aware of the injustice in the world and that becomes a much more complicated issue they need to wrestle with.
Branden believes that as a whole, parents of teens protect their kids too much. We need to gently teach responsibility and how to fail without falling apart. We need to share our failure and struggles with our teens to demonstrate that there is freedom to fail in life.
“Home needs to be a place where it’s okay not to be okay.” ~Branden Campbell
‘Nuff said. J
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