Love and Responsibility

“Freedom and responsibility are opposite sides of the same coin – one never exists without the other.” Yup. As adults functioning in today’s world, we know this is true. We are allowed the freedom of having lights in the house as long as we pay the electric bill on time. The trick is parenting your teen to discover this for themselves.

Chapman points out that “the idea that teenagers will rebel if parents establish boundaries is untrue. In fact, research indicates that ‘the majority of adolescents feel that their parents are reasonable and patient with them most of the time. More than half admit ‘when my parents are strict, I feel that they are right, even when I get angry.’” We all agreed that this was encouraging. Let’s not assume that our teens are going to flip out if we say “no.”

Here is an interesting idea: include your teen with the process of forming rules and setting consequences. Have a meeting together and discuss what is a reasonable expectation and a reasonable consequence. Parents are still the authority and have the final say, but they will be wiser for hearing out their teen. Often, the teen is more strict with the consequence ideas than the parent. Also, Chapman points out that the teen will believe the rule is fair and less likely to rebel if they had a voice in the process. Have you tried this? Here’s how:

1: Rules should be as few as possible. Decide what the really important issues are. The objective is to create boundaries in which your teen will make healthy choices. God came up with the Ten Commandments, and Jesus summarized them into two. We aren’t God, but keep it to a minimum.

2: Rules should be as clear as possible. This way the teen knows they have broken the rule. Otherwise, you are certain to have an argument about exactly how they didn’t break the rule. J

3: Rules should be as fair as possible. Listen to your teen. This is really important and can make all the difference.

Next, Chapman discusses consequences. He states that rules with no consequences are worthless and confusing. Here are three of his guidelines:

1: Consequences should be determined before a violation. This is huge, and has made a big difference in my house. When a rule is broken, parent and teen knows what happens next. The parent is less likely to overreact in anger or frustration, and the teen is more likely to accept the consequence.

2: Consequences should be administered with love. This isn’t a time for vengeance, but a time to show unconditional love. Sympathize with them genuinely, but don’t back off for a second!

3: Consequences should be administered consistently. Duh. J

Next Chapman discussed how to grow responsibility in your teen. Basically, establish things they need to do, and rewards for doing it, and consequences for not doing it. Some areas to do this are: housework, schoolwork, driving, money management and dating. It is tricky to come up with fresh consequences that relate to the responsibility, and our group has discussed coming up with a “creative consequences” list. We will start compiling our ideas and post them on the blog sometime soon.

Stay posted!

~kristi J

Love and Independence

This was a fantastic chapter of “The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers.” Again, we didn't even discuss the entire chapter! All of us found it encouraging that our teens really do still want to be with us, but they want to look older and more independent. This is why they seem to shun us at times. It’s not personal…it’s about independence!
One section of the chapter that we really camped on was about having their own car and who pays for what. We all agreed that teaching financial responsibility is completely crucial for teens, but we didn’t all agree on how much a teen should pay for what. It does seem that today, teens need a car to have a job, but they need a job to buy a car. Obviously, each family is different, and it was interesting to hear our own stories of our first car and how it was obtained. I think the key is being on the same page as your spouse, and being deliberate with a plan for teaching responsibility.

We also discussed whether or not to require teens to attend family functions. The author said that if a teen has plans already in place when a family event is scheduled, the teen should be allowed to bow out. A few of us had issue with this, and it made for an interesting discussion.  We decided that it really depended on what the teen’s “plans” were. If they had been coordinating a bunch of friends to go to a movie, it doesn’t seem fair to demand they drop everything to visit Aunt Mable when she stops by at the last minute on a road trip. However, some family events need to be attended by the entire family, and if the teens “plans” are to simply hang out somewhere else, that doesn’t work.

Overall, it was a good idea planted that sometimes teens need an “out” from a family event, but parents have every right to put their foot down on some occasions. We talked also about planning events that everyone enjoys. Sometimes the whole family can enjoy something the teen loves. That can go a long way. How about asking the teen what they’d like to do on vacation? Also, if the family needs to attend something that really isn’t enjoyed by all…why not all go to ice cream afterwards?

Sounds fun to me.

See you next week for chapter 12 “Love and Responsibility” next Thursday at Symposium Coffee at 10am.

~kristi J

What Do You Want For Your Kids When They Leave The House?

What do you want for your kids when they leave the house? Hmmm. Matt Stein, youth pastor of Countryside Community Church posed this question to us. Our answers varied from, “that they will speak to us!” to the profound “that they would be prepared for faith challenges.” It certainly got the ball rolling! On the most part, we responded that we want our kids prepared to be successful from the get-go. We want them to be financially responsible, take the values we taught them and make them their own, make great friends that support their faith and values, and we as moms understand that our work is cut out for us and we need to start early for this to happen.

Then Matt outlined what he saw life is like for young adults, freshly on their own. He said they feel either really busy, or bored. They have a bit of an “entitlement” attitude; that they are owed things. They feel really good when they do well at something. They are eager for the chance to lead and take charge. They appear “all together” but they are not. They push their parents away, but they still need them, more than ever…and often times young adults have many very real, deep, hurts.

Matt then read a few anonymous prayer requests from his church. Oh, they broke our hearts. One student asked for prayer that their mom would accept them for who they are. That they felt they were never good enough. Another request was for peace as they are really busy and feel overwhelmed. A third asked for help with a very bad body image, and the last talked about feeling extreme shame, sadness and loneliness.

We talked about the importance of other spaces and people that are a safe outlet for our teens. So many times our kids won’t come to us to talk about how they are feeling, but they may speak to a counselor, youth leader or coach.

We took a few moments to read “Youth Ministry in an Age of Delayed Adulthood” by Chap Clark. Clark discusses that it is pretty clear when the change to adulthood starts: adolescence. But, it is much more fuzzy to determine when adolescence ends. This is a change from previous generations. Teens today have a “Patchwork Self” view of themselves where they see themselves differently at each aspect of their life: school, sports, church and family, and they are okay with that. Matt claimed that as parents, we need to connect those different “patchwork dots” to increase our teen’s self-awareness. This will give our teen a greater sense of who they are, and this is huge.

Matt then asked what we see that seems to help teens thrive as young adults.  We shared a lot of different observations.  Positive reinforcement; don’t talk down to them; empower them and set the bar high; treat them as adults and don’t allow the luxury of immature behavior; provide and encourage stretching experiences. We also talked about a “Blessing Ceremony” where at a pivotal birthday, invite influential adults to gather and encourage and give advice to your teen. This had been experienced in a few families, and had been a very powerful experience.

A shameless plug. J “Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations” by Alex & Brett Harris is a book written by teens for teens. The back cover says: “Most people don’t expect you to understand what we’re going to tell you in this book. And even if you understand, they don’t expect you to care. And even if you care, they don’t expect you to do anything about it. And even if you do something about it they don’t expect it to last. WE DO.” It even has a forward by Chuck Norris. For real.

Okay, we are wrapping up “The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers” in the month of January. On February 2 we have Krina Mallgren, High School Girls Director at Rolling Hills Community Church coming to share about communication. We will then move on to our second book, “Parenting Teens with Love & Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood” by Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay. If you’d like to place an order for the $17 book, please contact me at we4nolans@gmail.com right away, and I need the funds by January 19^th. This is a fantastic time to invite other friends to join this group. Spread the word!

Next week we will be discussing “The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers” chapter11, “Love and Indepenece.”

See you at Symposium Coffee, Thursdays at 10am!

~kristi J