The Importance of Parental Love, Ch. 2

What would your ideal day to decompress and recharge? We went around the table and shared, with stars in our eyes, what we’d like to do. Many would relax in Hawaii or the beach, one would go fly fishing and one would go mountain biking. Good stuff!

We know that it’s important to show unconditional love to our kids. But it’s tricky. We teach our kids that our actions speak louder than words, but when they misbehave we disapprove of their behavior and love the person. More than one teen will say, “huh?”

Today we chatted about how love shapes our lives. We recalled how our parents showed love to us and how other siblings viewed their actions compared to us. It’s quite complicated! We talked about nurturing our teens. Nurture has to do with the feeding the inner spirit of your teen. Instead of talking about how we have nurtured our teens, we shared how someone else has nurtured us. We had some heartwarming stories.

So often, as parents, we pour our heart, soul and lives into our kids, hoping our efforts will produce healthy adults. We agonize over stepping in or letting go, what boundaries to set, what friends our teens make and what choices they are making. On the other hand…it’s up to our teens to make the right choices we have taught them. It’s really not up to us.

Dorothy Moore shared an insightful story with us. (Thanks for coming, Dorothy!) She told of Carol Kent, a successful Christian author. She and her husband had one son, whom they poured their life into.  Their son Jason grew to be a man and married a woman who had been married before. It came to be that his wife’s ex-husband was abusing their children, and Jason killed him. He is now in prison for life. Talk about a change of plans! Carol has since written When I Lay My Isaac Down, and Jason is involved in Christian ministry in prison. The point Dorothy was making was that there are no guarantees in this life, and ultimately, our teens are in God’s hands.

Next week we are excited to start learning the five love languages, starting with “Words of Affirmation” in chapter 3. We will see you next Thursday, Sept. 30^th in the upstairs room in Symposium Coffee in Sherwood.

Can’t wait! ~k

Understanding Contemporary Teens

We had our first discussion of the book. There were 10 ladies around our table, drinking wonderful Stumptown coffee at Symposium. This chapter discussed what our teens today have in common with other generations (physical & mental changes, development of reason, confronting personal morality and values, thinking about sexuality and marriage and questioning the future) and how teens today are different from any other generation (technology, knowledge of and exposure to violence, fragmented family, knowledge of exposure to sexuality and neutral moral and religious values). To cap it off, we were encouraged that teens today really are looking to their parents for guidance. Whew!

Our group landed on a few main points of discussion from this springboard. One, we discussed media and what we allow our children to watch or what video games to play. It seemed that most of us were on the same page, and a few tips were passed around like movie review websites (kidsinmind.com) or creative ways to provide an “out” for a child who finds themselves watching something they shouldn’t. We talked about video games, and the different perspective that dads provide in the family. Some moms felt as teens themselves, they were allowed to watch shows that they wouldn’t allow their children to see today. They brought a great perspective and encouragement to be strong in drawing the line with our kids.

Another thing we discussed was that our teens are learning to think for themselves. We need to encourage them to discover things for themselves, and not just spoon feed them answers. A few moms shared how fun it was to start to have more in depth and mature conversations with their children. But, at the same time, sometimes our kids talk on and on and on and on about something important to them while we are busy, and how it can be a struggle to stay plugged in to them. We were reminded that listening to them encourages them to keep conversation open, and that will be valuable when they are in later teen years.

Next week (Sept. 22) we are discussing chapter 2 "The Importance of Parental Love" from pages 29-40. Can't wait! ~k

Our first meeting

I had some serious butterflies in my stomach come September 8th. I just didn't know what to expect. Silly me. These ladies are wonderful, and very quickly we all settled in with each other, and shared what we have in common: wanting to be the moms our kids need us to be.

 We went around the room and introduced ourselves and who was in our family. We talked about how our culture pressures us to do everything right and find the perfect solution to every situation. We want to have a paradigm shift, and instead, do parenting "well" instead of "right." We can't parent perfectly, but we can be deliberate and use skills. The "Five Love Languages" book will give us new tools and help us sharpen old tools.

We will meet every week and discuss one chapter of the book. I am lining up guest speakers, local youth pastors and counselors, to give us a broader perspective on teens. I hope to have a guest once a month, and that week we will pause our book discussion. More details to come with that.

For our next meeting (tomorrow!) Thursday, September 15, please finish reading chapter 1 "Understanding Contemporary Teens" on pages 17-28. If you haven't read it, don't worry! Please come and we will enjoy the insights you have to bring to our group.

See you soon! ~k

How it all started

Last year I was at my wits end.  Our kids were both in middle school, and things had...changed. It seemed that my parenting skills were suddenly failing me. At one point I was asking myself what I was doing wrong. Do I need to be more strict? Do I need to be more lenient? Something had to change, and I didn't know what. Then...miraculously...a still small voice said, "Just love them." Ummm. Okay. I can do that.
 
Still, a few days later, I was sitting in the counselor's office at Sherwood Middle School, asking Vicki Ring, "Is this normal? I've never had a 13 year old boy before, and I just need to know that neither he nor I are going off the deep end!" I told Vicki that I just want my son to feel loved during this time, not just know that he is loved. She recommended "The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers" by Gary Champan. Bingo.

The book doesn't just talk about love, but also about anger, independence, responsibility and failure. Almost right away I had new tools in my parenting tool belt, and some old tools had been sharpened. I had a game plan. It really is different being a parent of a teenager compared to a parent of a child. There is a time of adjustment; a transition, a time where you switch from controlling to influencing.  I talked with some of my friends, and found we are not alone. No one has all the answers, but maybe we could learn from each other, and encourage each other.

So this is what I'm doing. I am reserving a room at Symposium Coffee in Sherwood on Thursday mornings from 10-11:30am. We will chat about a chapter in "The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers", and sometimes I'll invite a guest speaker like a local youth pastor or counselor. We will start on September 8th and I will have copies of the book there for $5. We will discuss the first chapter of the book the next week.

I will post a summary of the meeting (sparing the details of the people there) on this blog after our meeting.
Can't wait!
~Kristi :)