Love Language #3: Quality Time

You are saying goodnight to your teen, expecting to return to your evening, when they pull out a zinger. You know, one of those comments. They are just about begging for a discussion about something important to them. You can shrug them off with a vague answer, or invest maybe an hour or two into your relationship. Gary Chapman says, “To give your teenager quality time is to give your teenager a portion of your life.” Unlike most other love languages, this one takes time.

How flexible are you? Are you planning activities around your likes, or have you listened to the heartbeat of your teen to discover what touches them? We discussed the difference between speaking with our teens compared to speaking at our teens. It involves listening and hearing; allowing our teens to speak their heart without our interjection of anything. “We must learn to help her evaluate her ideas, understand her emotions, and take realistic steps toward accomplishing her dreams. And we must learn to do this in a friendly, encouraging atmosphere of dialogue rather than the dogmatic statements of monologue.” Ouch.

On November 10, we will have Travis Waits, a Marriage & Family Therapist will come to speak at our group. He had suggested a number of topics including: how to help your marriage survive your teenagers, how to talk to your teens about sex, and boundaries and promoting responsibility with your teen. We decided to ask Travis to discuss “Boundaries and promoting responsibility with your teen.”

Our next discussion will be about Chapter 6 “Love Languages #4: Acts of Service.”

Can’t wait! J ~k

Love Language #2: Physical Touch

Ach.  How many times has your teen shrunk away from affection they once welcomed? You try to shrug it off *sigh* but it’s hard not to be hurt. Have they changed? Do they need physical touch anymore? Yes, they have changed, and yes, they still need physical touch. The trick is knowing when, where and how to touch your teen.

Remember, the teenager's theme is independence and self-identity. You must ask if your gesture threatens their sense of independence and/or enhance their positive self-identity. Wise parents will study their teen and learn to read their clues as to their mood. good luck. :) One thing you can be sure of is that your teen won't want to be hugged or touched affectionately by parents in public.

When you touch your teen the way you touched them as a child, they can view that as “childish” expressions of love. So, you get to come up with other ways to share your love with them. Like…slap your son on the back, trip him or elbow him, or wrestle him to the ground. Somehow, I think this is father/son bonding examples.

“If we express love to our teenagers only when they are doing things which please us, we have left the high road of unconditional love and have entered the treacherous world of manipulation.”  pg. 65. Yikes.

In a few weeks, Marriage & Family Therapist Travis Waits will come and speak at our gathering. He has suggested several topics he could speak on. At our next meeting (tomorrow) we will discuss the topics and choose one. They are:

How to help your marriage survive your teenagers
How to talk to your teen about sex
Boundaries & promoting responsibility with your teenager

All of them sound great!

See you soon!

~kristi

Branden Campbell talks about pornography

75% of teen girls aged 15-19 agree that society tells girls that attracting guys & acting sexy are one of the most important things girls can do.
42% of guys and 33% of girls aged 15-17 have had intercourse.
2/3 of US teens who have had sex wish they had waited longer.
The average age of the first internet exposure to porn is…11 years old.
The largest consumer of internet porn is the 12-17 age group.

Yikes! Why is sexuality and pornography on the rise? Most teens are exposed to porn in the internet the first time by mistake. It’s no surprise that it is lurking everywhere. Then they start evading filters. They feel shame and fear talking to their parents because they will “freak out.” Pornography is a true addition, and it’s much better to break the addition before the age of 18 because of the incredible damage that is done.

The best thing you can do to you teens is to protect them and have open communication. We need to talk to our kids about sex and porn as soon as possible. They are going to have the conversation anyway, and its better coming from you. Teens are fighting for independence, NOT space, and they need truth from parents. Stay engaged with them, even when they fight it and push back.

Teens need help processing this information. At age 13, teens can think abstractly in a particular context, but they struggle with applying it to other situations.  So, they can understand that something is dangerous, but put them in a related situation and they will take the risk. True!

One idea to initiate conversation is to create a “No Freak Out Conversation Card” that you or your teen can leave in a certain place (think bathroom) to establish that a conversation needs to happen, and you as a parent won’t “freak out.” We can definitely set boundaries and consequences, but we promise we will not “freak out” and overreact to the situation. Then… DON’T freak out! J

It is really important to set up some sort of accountability on the internet. There is “Covenant Eyes” and “X3Watch” that takes over your browser and will send emails to accountability partners of sites you have visited (even places like Victoria’s Secret and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader sites). They work for PCs, laptops and PHONES. We need to be aware that many phones have internet access, and this is a great way to be sneaky. Branden recommended that some sort of accountability/filters be set on every media device for every person regardless of age because the statistics are just too extreme.

The accountability programs allow a teen to fail under your protection. You can then have the conversation about pornography and why it’s damaging. You can love on them and extend grace instead of starting them on the shame cycle that can start addition.

So, why is porn wrong? It gives a completely distorted image of sexuality. Boys start to view women as objects and girls think they need to look and act that way. Once they are in a relationship, they realize that real sex is not this way, and they start to seek other avenues. Other perverse actions are pursued and things accelerate with increasing depravity.

Branden recommended if we’d like a good snapshop of this current generation to read the book “Hurt” by Chap Clark.

Whew!

One mom highly recommended the movie “Courageous” saying it was not only encouraging and inspiring, but it really motivates the audience to do something to be better parents.

Alright. Next week we are going to discuss “The Five Love Languages of Teenagers” chapter 4 “Love Language #2: Physical Touch.” Fitting, don’t you think? J

See you next week!
~kristi

Branden Campbell is the senior high pastor of Rolling Hills Community Church
Stats at the beginning of this blog are from: http://www.puremorality.org/NCPCFstats.htm

Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation

If we were a circus, you would be quite entertained. We banned all popcorn venders and ticket booth workers, and we’d have a bareback rider, trapeze artist, a lion tamer, trampoline jumper, motorcycle ball rider and plenty of clowns. J

Okay, down to business. It’s not rocket science that saying words that build others up and expresses affection helps the relationship. It is a good reminder to be careful what you say and how you say it. But, it does get tricky when your emotional teen seems to shun anything positive from you and you feel like your grasping at straws to find something positive to share!

Many moms said they have taken the love language test at the back of the book and given it to their kids. So far, the teens have been open to taking it, and it has started some great conversations, besides being quite illuminating at times! For those of us who scored high in this language, words are extremely powerful, and it’s so important to watch what we say and how we say it.

We all agreed that it was easier to express affection than to affirm our teens.  There are three aspects of praising our teens: sincere praise, specific praise and when you can’t praise results, praise efforts. Sometimes you need to praise your teen for mowing the lawn, and the next week encourage them to mow with better skill. Sometimes that is so hard to do when the task you asked them to do is simple!

Sometimes it seems there isn’t anything to compliment your teen on. Have you had a day like that? One mom wisely pointed out that every person benefits from all five love languages, and sometimes you need to speak the teens’ secondary love language. Well said!

I am super excited. Tomorrow we have our first guest speaker, Branden Campbell. Branden is the senior high pastor at Rolling Hills Community Church, and he is amped to be with us. He is going to share his unique insight on teens and technology and parents. He will also bring up cyber bullying and pornography.  I guarantee it will be profound.

See you tomorrow!

~k