Love and Anger: Help for Parents

“The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers” Chapter 9

Oy. How many times have you just blown it? You know what I’m talking about…even though we all come about it a little differently, and show it differently. You have been mad before, and you haven’t managed your anger well.

The authors of this book believe that “mismanaged anger is behind many of the broken relationships between parents and teens.” They say that love and anger are opposite sides of the same coin, that “love seeks the good of the other person and so does rightly directed anger.” They also say that “the purpose of anger is to motivate us to take loving action; that is, to do something to try to turn the teenager or parent in the right direction.”

So, anger by itself isn’t the problem…what we do with it is where we can have problems. Much of this chapter walked through breaking bad habits with managing our anger. First, the authors say we need to admit the truth: I have mismanaged my anger. Second, we need to develop a strategy and have a plan of what we will do when we feel anger. There were some great ideas in the book. Third, we need to carefully look at our options. Either we need to release our anger…because it is our problem to work on, or we have a misunderstanding, or we need to have a positive conversation to resolve the situation. Of course, that is an art in itself.

As a group, we had an interesting discussion about whether we personally explode or implode in anger, and how that influences how we parent. We realize that we have quite a burden of responsibility in this area because we often teach our teens how we deal with our anger. Of course, this also is very applicable in a marriage relationship and the same perspective and strategies would be very useful.

I guess I need to get healthy first. J

Next meeting we will discuss chapter 10, Love and Anger: Help for Our Teens. More good stuff.  Then we will take a break for Christmas.

See you Thursday! ~k

Discovering Your Teen's Primary Love Language

Today we mostly chatted about life. Sometimes it’s messy, sometimes it’s hard, and sometimes it’s so wonderful, it takes your breath away and you wish you could capture it in a bottle. We sure love our families, and sometimes it’s just complicated!
Yes, teens are moody and difficult to read. This chapter encouraged us to really watch our kids and pay attention. They are constantly in a state of flux, so it makes sense that their preferences also change like the wind. If you can figure out their primary and maybe secondary love language, great; but don’t forget the other three languages. They need to experience all 5 love languages, so they can in turn speak those languages as adults.

Just love ‘em every way you can!

See you December 1^st! We are discussing chapter 9, “Love and Anger: Help for Parents.” I’ll admit, now is when the book gets really good. We have a foundation of understanding our kids and these authors’ perspective on teens, and now we get in the trenches.

If you are behind on the book, forget about the chapters in between…just read chapter 9. Or not. J See ya tomorrow at Symposium at 10am!

~kristi

Boundaries and promoting responsibility with your teenager

So, we are sitting at Symposium Coffee this morning, and guest speaker Marriage & Family counselor Travis Waits passes out his business card to everyone. He tells us to write “Who owns the problem?” on the back. Oh boy. This is gonna be good! He saw the book we are going through and recommended it. He said much of what he will discuss today is written about in the book “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic” by Cline and Fay and “Boundaries with Teens” by Townsend.

The first thing he says is, “We as parents often do way too much!”  He said we should do nothing for someone that they can or should do themselves. Helping is rescuing unless they are physically or emotionally unable to do the job. If your kid can reach the table, he should set and clear the table. Travis said that taking responsibility away from them is disrespecting them. Wow.

Proverbs 22:6 says “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Travis pointed out that we need to teach our teens how to be a healthy adult, considering their unique personality and strengths. We need to “raise them to release them.” He said we don’t want to circumvent their free will; that we need to train them to use their free will to make good choices. The bummer is that we have absolutely no control over their free will. So, we need to promote responsibility through choices.

Imagine a road with guard rails on each side. The teen is free to drive anywhere on the road, but the parents set up the boundaries. As the teen is older, the road becomes wider and wider until, at age 18, there are no guard rails. He said a boundary isn’t a boundary unless there is a consequence.

So, we asked, where should we place the guard rails (boundaries) in our teen’s life? Travis answered, “Whatever you want to stay sane.” What? He explained that our marriages are going to last our lifetime, while parenting our children will not. Parenting should to be a dictatorship; a unified front where the kids will always lose a power struggle. He said the golden bullet is consistency…that we are to correct behavior, not fix it.

It is true that many mom’s identity is a little wrapped in up in their kids. When your child is misbehaving, it’s common for mom to feel like a failure, like it’s somehow your fault. If I was just a better parent, this problem wouldn’t exist. If we feel this way, it’s a sign that we are owning their problems.

“The most important thing isn’t what you do when you do it, but  it’s what you do after it’s done.” Huh? Travis explained that we can shift gears with our parenting style at any time. He recommended that you discuss this plan with your spouse, make a list of all chores and possible consequences and together hold a family meeting.

At this meeting, you say that you are sorry you have been too involved in your teen’s life. Your teen needs to make their own choices and live their own life. Apologize for your over-involvement and say you’d like to make a fresh start. Usually, this will turn their heads around. What? I can live my own life and make my own choices? Bring it! But, you are not done.

So, you are going to take off your nurturing/parenting hat and put on a consultant/coach hat. You will set up rules and responsibilities for your teens and they will be free to choose if they follow them. Only, if they choose not to follow the rules and do their chores, they will have a consequence. They have the freedom to choose what to do, but they will not choose the consequence. At the meeting, pull out your list of chores and expectations and consequences.

For example, if you choose not to do the dishes, that is just fine, but you will not have dinner. No argument, no problem…bummer for you. It was your choice. If you don’t want to fold the family’s laundry, no problem…you can do all of your own laundry for a month. No arguing, no yelling, no debate. Make your choice and take the consequence.

One thing Travis recommended having zero tolerance for is disrespect. He said to have a consequence lined up ready to go for the first offence. He also recommended that each spouse refer to each other as “my husband” or “my wife” in a parenting situation. It raises the person in the hierarchy of the family. It is different to hear “Don’t talk to my wife that way” compared to “Don’t talk to mom that way.” It is subtle and powerful.

Of course, your teens will not like these expectations and consequences, but hold your ground. Small changes are successful over time. But sometimes parents choose to go cold turkey and overhaul the family dynamic. If you do that, expect a tough transition of 5-7 days. Emotions are like indicator lights on a dashboard. They usually are connected to a need, and they don’t make you do anything. Both you and your teens don’t need to be ruled by them.

Another analogy from Travis is that we want to be like a thermostat in our home. We set the tone with our steady emotion. We don’t want to be like a barometer that reacts to every circumstance. As parents, we need to be sure to take care of ourselves…get plenty of sleep and some exercise. J Parent like a duck. A duck is calm on top, but scrambling like crazy underwater. We need to be healthy ourselves to do this. We might be freaking out about a situation, but never let them see you sweat.

So, who owns the problem? J Not me.

Love Language #3: Quality Time

You are saying goodnight to your teen, expecting to return to your evening, when they pull out a zinger. You know, one of those comments. They are just about begging for a discussion about something important to them. You can shrug them off with a vague answer, or invest maybe an hour or two into your relationship. Gary Chapman says, “To give your teenager quality time is to give your teenager a portion of your life.” Unlike most other love languages, this one takes time.

How flexible are you? Are you planning activities around your likes, or have you listened to the heartbeat of your teen to discover what touches them? We discussed the difference between speaking with our teens compared to speaking at our teens. It involves listening and hearing; allowing our teens to speak their heart without our interjection of anything. “We must learn to help her evaluate her ideas, understand her emotions, and take realistic steps toward accomplishing her dreams. And we must learn to do this in a friendly, encouraging atmosphere of dialogue rather than the dogmatic statements of monologue.” Ouch.

On November 10, we will have Travis Waits, a Marriage & Family Therapist will come to speak at our group. He had suggested a number of topics including: how to help your marriage survive your teenagers, how to talk to your teens about sex, and boundaries and promoting responsibility with your teen. We decided to ask Travis to discuss “Boundaries and promoting responsibility with your teen.”

Our next discussion will be about Chapter 6 “Love Languages #4: Acts of Service.”

Can’t wait! J ~k

Love Language #2: Physical Touch

Ach.  How many times has your teen shrunk away from affection they once welcomed? You try to shrug it off *sigh* but it’s hard not to be hurt. Have they changed? Do they need physical touch anymore? Yes, they have changed, and yes, they still need physical touch. The trick is knowing when, where and how to touch your teen.

Remember, the teenager's theme is independence and self-identity. You must ask if your gesture threatens their sense of independence and/or enhance their positive self-identity. Wise parents will study their teen and learn to read their clues as to their mood. good luck. :) One thing you can be sure of is that your teen won't want to be hugged or touched affectionately by parents in public.

When you touch your teen the way you touched them as a child, they can view that as “childish” expressions of love. So, you get to come up with other ways to share your love with them. Like…slap your son on the back, trip him or elbow him, or wrestle him to the ground. Somehow, I think this is father/son bonding examples.

“If we express love to our teenagers only when they are doing things which please us, we have left the high road of unconditional love and have entered the treacherous world of manipulation.”  pg. 65. Yikes.

In a few weeks, Marriage & Family Therapist Travis Waits will come and speak at our gathering. He has suggested several topics he could speak on. At our next meeting (tomorrow) we will discuss the topics and choose one. They are:

How to help your marriage survive your teenagers
How to talk to your teen about sex
Boundaries & promoting responsibility with your teenager

All of them sound great!

See you soon!

~kristi

Branden Campbell talks about pornography

75% of teen girls aged 15-19 agree that society tells girls that attracting guys & acting sexy are one of the most important things girls can do.
42% of guys and 33% of girls aged 15-17 have had intercourse.
2/3 of US teens who have had sex wish they had waited longer.
The average age of the first internet exposure to porn is…11 years old.
The largest consumer of internet porn is the 12-17 age group.

Yikes! Why is sexuality and pornography on the rise? Most teens are exposed to porn in the internet the first time by mistake. It’s no surprise that it is lurking everywhere. Then they start evading filters. They feel shame and fear talking to their parents because they will “freak out.” Pornography is a true addition, and it’s much better to break the addition before the age of 18 because of the incredible damage that is done.

The best thing you can do to you teens is to protect them and have open communication. We need to talk to our kids about sex and porn as soon as possible. They are going to have the conversation anyway, and its better coming from you. Teens are fighting for independence, NOT space, and they need truth from parents. Stay engaged with them, even when they fight it and push back.

Teens need help processing this information. At age 13, teens can think abstractly in a particular context, but they struggle with applying it to other situations.  So, they can understand that something is dangerous, but put them in a related situation and they will take the risk. True!

One idea to initiate conversation is to create a “No Freak Out Conversation Card” that you or your teen can leave in a certain place (think bathroom) to establish that a conversation needs to happen, and you as a parent won’t “freak out.” We can definitely set boundaries and consequences, but we promise we will not “freak out” and overreact to the situation. Then… DON’T freak out! J

It is really important to set up some sort of accountability on the internet. There is “Covenant Eyes” and “X3Watch” that takes over your browser and will send emails to accountability partners of sites you have visited (even places like Victoria’s Secret and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader sites). They work for PCs, laptops and PHONES. We need to be aware that many phones have internet access, and this is a great way to be sneaky. Branden recommended that some sort of accountability/filters be set on every media device for every person regardless of age because the statistics are just too extreme.

The accountability programs allow a teen to fail under your protection. You can then have the conversation about pornography and why it’s damaging. You can love on them and extend grace instead of starting them on the shame cycle that can start addition.

So, why is porn wrong? It gives a completely distorted image of sexuality. Boys start to view women as objects and girls think they need to look and act that way. Once they are in a relationship, they realize that real sex is not this way, and they start to seek other avenues. Other perverse actions are pursued and things accelerate with increasing depravity.

Branden recommended if we’d like a good snapshop of this current generation to read the book “Hurt” by Chap Clark.

Whew!

One mom highly recommended the movie “Courageous” saying it was not only encouraging and inspiring, but it really motivates the audience to do something to be better parents.

Alright. Next week we are going to discuss “The Five Love Languages of Teenagers” chapter 4 “Love Language #2: Physical Touch.” Fitting, don’t you think? J

See you next week!
~kristi

Branden Campbell is the senior high pastor of Rolling Hills Community Church
Stats at the beginning of this blog are from: http://www.puremorality.org/NCPCFstats.htm

Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation

If we were a circus, you would be quite entertained. We banned all popcorn venders and ticket booth workers, and we’d have a bareback rider, trapeze artist, a lion tamer, trampoline jumper, motorcycle ball rider and plenty of clowns. J

Okay, down to business. It’s not rocket science that saying words that build others up and expresses affection helps the relationship. It is a good reminder to be careful what you say and how you say it. But, it does get tricky when your emotional teen seems to shun anything positive from you and you feel like your grasping at straws to find something positive to share!

Many moms said they have taken the love language test at the back of the book and given it to their kids. So far, the teens have been open to taking it, and it has started some great conversations, besides being quite illuminating at times! For those of us who scored high in this language, words are extremely powerful, and it’s so important to watch what we say and how we say it.

We all agreed that it was easier to express affection than to affirm our teens.  There are three aspects of praising our teens: sincere praise, specific praise and when you can’t praise results, praise efforts. Sometimes you need to praise your teen for mowing the lawn, and the next week encourage them to mow with better skill. Sometimes that is so hard to do when the task you asked them to do is simple!

Sometimes it seems there isn’t anything to compliment your teen on. Have you had a day like that? One mom wisely pointed out that every person benefits from all five love languages, and sometimes you need to speak the teens’ secondary love language. Well said!

I am super excited. Tomorrow we have our first guest speaker, Branden Campbell. Branden is the senior high pastor at Rolling Hills Community Church, and he is amped to be with us. He is going to share his unique insight on teens and technology and parents. He will also bring up cyber bullying and pornography.  I guarantee it will be profound.

See you tomorrow!

~k

The Importance of Parental Love, Ch. 2

What would your ideal day to decompress and recharge? We went around the table and shared, with stars in our eyes, what we’d like to do. Many would relax in Hawaii or the beach, one would go fly fishing and one would go mountain biking. Good stuff!

We know that it’s important to show unconditional love to our kids. But it’s tricky. We teach our kids that our actions speak louder than words, but when they misbehave we disapprove of their behavior and love the person. More than one teen will say, “huh?”

Today we chatted about how love shapes our lives. We recalled how our parents showed love to us and how other siblings viewed their actions compared to us. It’s quite complicated! We talked about nurturing our teens. Nurture has to do with the feeding the inner spirit of your teen. Instead of talking about how we have nurtured our teens, we shared how someone else has nurtured us. We had some heartwarming stories.

So often, as parents, we pour our heart, soul and lives into our kids, hoping our efforts will produce healthy adults. We agonize over stepping in or letting go, what boundaries to set, what friends our teens make and what choices they are making. On the other hand…it’s up to our teens to make the right choices we have taught them. It’s really not up to us.

Dorothy Moore shared an insightful story with us. (Thanks for coming, Dorothy!) She told of Carol Kent, a successful Christian author. She and her husband had one son, whom they poured their life into.  Their son Jason grew to be a man and married a woman who had been married before. It came to be that his wife’s ex-husband was abusing their children, and Jason killed him. He is now in prison for life. Talk about a change of plans! Carol has since written When I Lay My Isaac Down, and Jason is involved in Christian ministry in prison. The point Dorothy was making was that there are no guarantees in this life, and ultimately, our teens are in God’s hands.

Next week we are excited to start learning the five love languages, starting with “Words of Affirmation” in chapter 3. We will see you next Thursday, Sept. 30^th in the upstairs room in Symposium Coffee in Sherwood.

Can’t wait! ~k

Understanding Contemporary Teens

We had our first discussion of the book. There were 10 ladies around our table, drinking wonderful Stumptown coffee at Symposium. This chapter discussed what our teens today have in common with other generations (physical & mental changes, development of reason, confronting personal morality and values, thinking about sexuality and marriage and questioning the future) and how teens today are different from any other generation (technology, knowledge of and exposure to violence, fragmented family, knowledge of exposure to sexuality and neutral moral and religious values). To cap it off, we were encouraged that teens today really are looking to their parents for guidance. Whew!

Our group landed on a few main points of discussion from this springboard. One, we discussed media and what we allow our children to watch or what video games to play. It seemed that most of us were on the same page, and a few tips were passed around like movie review websites (kidsinmind.com) or creative ways to provide an “out” for a child who finds themselves watching something they shouldn’t. We talked about video games, and the different perspective that dads provide in the family. Some moms felt as teens themselves, they were allowed to watch shows that they wouldn’t allow their children to see today. They brought a great perspective and encouragement to be strong in drawing the line with our kids.

Another thing we discussed was that our teens are learning to think for themselves. We need to encourage them to discover things for themselves, and not just spoon feed them answers. A few moms shared how fun it was to start to have more in depth and mature conversations with their children. But, at the same time, sometimes our kids talk on and on and on and on about something important to them while we are busy, and how it can be a struggle to stay plugged in to them. We were reminded that listening to them encourages them to keep conversation open, and that will be valuable when they are in later teen years.

Next week (Sept. 22) we are discussing chapter 2 "The Importance of Parental Love" from pages 29-40. Can't wait! ~k

Our first meeting

I had some serious butterflies in my stomach come September 8th. I just didn't know what to expect. Silly me. These ladies are wonderful, and very quickly we all settled in with each other, and shared what we have in common: wanting to be the moms our kids need us to be.

 We went around the room and introduced ourselves and who was in our family. We talked about how our culture pressures us to do everything right and find the perfect solution to every situation. We want to have a paradigm shift, and instead, do parenting "well" instead of "right." We can't parent perfectly, but we can be deliberate and use skills. The "Five Love Languages" book will give us new tools and help us sharpen old tools.

We will meet every week and discuss one chapter of the book. I am lining up guest speakers, local youth pastors and counselors, to give us a broader perspective on teens. I hope to have a guest once a month, and that week we will pause our book discussion. More details to come with that.

For our next meeting (tomorrow!) Thursday, September 15, please finish reading chapter 1 "Understanding Contemporary Teens" on pages 17-28. If you haven't read it, don't worry! Please come and we will enjoy the insights you have to bring to our group.

See you soon! ~k

How it all started

Last year I was at my wits end.  Our kids were both in middle school, and things had...changed. It seemed that my parenting skills were suddenly failing me. At one point I was asking myself what I was doing wrong. Do I need to be more strict? Do I need to be more lenient? Something had to change, and I didn't know what. Then...miraculously...a still small voice said, "Just love them." Ummm. Okay. I can do that.
 
Still, a few days later, I was sitting in the counselor's office at Sherwood Middle School, asking Vicki Ring, "Is this normal? I've never had a 13 year old boy before, and I just need to know that neither he nor I are going off the deep end!" I told Vicki that I just want my son to feel loved during this time, not just know that he is loved. She recommended "The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers" by Gary Champan. Bingo.

The book doesn't just talk about love, but also about anger, independence, responsibility and failure. Almost right away I had new tools in my parenting tool belt, and some old tools had been sharpened. I had a game plan. It really is different being a parent of a teenager compared to a parent of a child. There is a time of adjustment; a transition, a time where you switch from controlling to influencing.  I talked with some of my friends, and found we are not alone. No one has all the answers, but maybe we could learn from each other, and encourage each other.

So this is what I'm doing. I am reserving a room at Symposium Coffee in Sherwood on Thursday mornings from 10-11:30am. We will chat about a chapter in "The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers", and sometimes I'll invite a guest speaker like a local youth pastor or counselor. We will start on September 8th and I will have copies of the book there for $5. We will discuss the first chapter of the book the next week.

I will post a summary of the meeting (sparing the details of the people there) on this blog after our meeting.
Can't wait!
~Kristi :)