Love and Responsibility

“Freedom and responsibility are opposite sides of the same coin – one never exists without the other.” Yup. As adults functioning in today’s world, we know this is true. We are allowed the freedom of having lights in the house as long as we pay the electric bill on time. The trick is parenting your teen to discover this for themselves.

Chapman points out that “the idea that teenagers will rebel if parents establish boundaries is untrue. In fact, research indicates that ‘the majority of adolescents feel that their parents are reasonable and patient with them most of the time. More than half admit ‘when my parents are strict, I feel that they are right, even when I get angry.’” We all agreed that this was encouraging. Let’s not assume that our teens are going to flip out if we say “no.”

Here is an interesting idea: include your teen with the process of forming rules and setting consequences. Have a meeting together and discuss what is a reasonable expectation and a reasonable consequence. Parents are still the authority and have the final say, but they will be wiser for hearing out their teen. Often, the teen is more strict with the consequence ideas than the parent. Also, Chapman points out that the teen will believe the rule is fair and less likely to rebel if they had a voice in the process. Have you tried this? Here’s how:

1: Rules should be as few as possible. Decide what the really important issues are. The objective is to create boundaries in which your teen will make healthy choices. God came up with the Ten Commandments, and Jesus summarized them into two. We aren’t God, but keep it to a minimum.

2: Rules should be as clear as possible. This way the teen knows they have broken the rule. Otherwise, you are certain to have an argument about exactly how they didn’t break the rule. J

3: Rules should be as fair as possible. Listen to your teen. This is really important and can make all the difference.

Next, Chapman discusses consequences. He states that rules with no consequences are worthless and confusing. Here are three of his guidelines:

1: Consequences should be determined before a violation. This is huge, and has made a big difference in my house. When a rule is broken, parent and teen knows what happens next. The parent is less likely to overreact in anger or frustration, and the teen is more likely to accept the consequence.

2: Consequences should be administered with love. This isn’t a time for vengeance, but a time to show unconditional love. Sympathize with them genuinely, but don’t back off for a second!

3: Consequences should be administered consistently. Duh. J

Next Chapman discussed how to grow responsibility in your teen. Basically, establish things they need to do, and rewards for doing it, and consequences for not doing it. Some areas to do this are: housework, schoolwork, driving, money management and dating. It is tricky to come up with fresh consequences that relate to the responsibility, and our group has discussed coming up with a “creative consequences” list. We will start compiling our ideas and post them on the blog sometime soon.

Stay posted!

~kristi J

Love and Independence

This was a fantastic chapter of “The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers.” Again, we didn't even discuss the entire chapter! All of us found it encouraging that our teens really do still want to be with us, but they want to look older and more independent. This is why they seem to shun us at times. It’s not personal…it’s about independence!
One section of the chapter that we really camped on was about having their own car and who pays for what. We all agreed that teaching financial responsibility is completely crucial for teens, but we didn’t all agree on how much a teen should pay for what. It does seem that today, teens need a car to have a job, but they need a job to buy a car. Obviously, each family is different, and it was interesting to hear our own stories of our first car and how it was obtained. I think the key is being on the same page as your spouse, and being deliberate with a plan for teaching responsibility.

We also discussed whether or not to require teens to attend family functions. The author said that if a teen has plans already in place when a family event is scheduled, the teen should be allowed to bow out. A few of us had issue with this, and it made for an interesting discussion.  We decided that it really depended on what the teen’s “plans” were. If they had been coordinating a bunch of friends to go to a movie, it doesn’t seem fair to demand they drop everything to visit Aunt Mable when she stops by at the last minute on a road trip. However, some family events need to be attended by the entire family, and if the teens “plans” are to simply hang out somewhere else, that doesn’t work.

Overall, it was a good idea planted that sometimes teens need an “out” from a family event, but parents have every right to put their foot down on some occasions. We talked also about planning events that everyone enjoys. Sometimes the whole family can enjoy something the teen loves. That can go a long way. How about asking the teen what they’d like to do on vacation? Also, if the family needs to attend something that really isn’t enjoyed by all…why not all go to ice cream afterwards?

Sounds fun to me.

See you next week for chapter 12 “Love and Responsibility” next Thursday at Symposium Coffee at 10am.

~kristi J

What Do You Want For Your Kids When They Leave The House?

What do you want for your kids when they leave the house? Hmmm. Matt Stein, youth pastor of Countryside Community Church posed this question to us. Our answers varied from, “that they will speak to us!” to the profound “that they would be prepared for faith challenges.” It certainly got the ball rolling! On the most part, we responded that we want our kids prepared to be successful from the get-go. We want them to be financially responsible, take the values we taught them and make them their own, make great friends that support their faith and values, and we as moms understand that our work is cut out for us and we need to start early for this to happen.

Then Matt outlined what he saw life is like for young adults, freshly on their own. He said they feel either really busy, or bored. They have a bit of an “entitlement” attitude; that they are owed things. They feel really good when they do well at something. They are eager for the chance to lead and take charge. They appear “all together” but they are not. They push their parents away, but they still need them, more than ever…and often times young adults have many very real, deep, hurts.

Matt then read a few anonymous prayer requests from his church. Oh, they broke our hearts. One student asked for prayer that their mom would accept them for who they are. That they felt they were never good enough. Another request was for peace as they are really busy and feel overwhelmed. A third asked for help with a very bad body image, and the last talked about feeling extreme shame, sadness and loneliness.

We talked about the importance of other spaces and people that are a safe outlet for our teens. So many times our kids won’t come to us to talk about how they are feeling, but they may speak to a counselor, youth leader or coach.

We took a few moments to read “Youth Ministry in an Age of Delayed Adulthood” by Chap Clark. Clark discusses that it is pretty clear when the change to adulthood starts: adolescence. But, it is much more fuzzy to determine when adolescence ends. This is a change from previous generations. Teens today have a “Patchwork Self” view of themselves where they see themselves differently at each aspect of their life: school, sports, church and family, and they are okay with that. Matt claimed that as parents, we need to connect those different “patchwork dots” to increase our teen’s self-awareness. This will give our teen a greater sense of who they are, and this is huge.

Matt then asked what we see that seems to help teens thrive as young adults.  We shared a lot of different observations.  Positive reinforcement; don’t talk down to them; empower them and set the bar high; treat them as adults and don’t allow the luxury of immature behavior; provide and encourage stretching experiences. We also talked about a “Blessing Ceremony” where at a pivotal birthday, invite influential adults to gather and encourage and give advice to your teen. This had been experienced in a few families, and had been a very powerful experience.

A shameless plug. J “Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations” by Alex & Brett Harris is a book written by teens for teens. The back cover says: “Most people don’t expect you to understand what we’re going to tell you in this book. And even if you understand, they don’t expect you to care. And even if you care, they don’t expect you to do anything about it. And even if you do something about it they don’t expect it to last. WE DO.” It even has a forward by Chuck Norris. For real.

Okay, we are wrapping up “The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers” in the month of January. On February 2 we have Krina Mallgren, High School Girls Director at Rolling Hills Community Church coming to share about communication. We will then move on to our second book, “Parenting Teens with Love & Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood” by Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay. If you’d like to place an order for the $17 book, please contact me at we4nolans@gmail.com right away, and I need the funds by January 19^th. This is a fantastic time to invite other friends to join this group. Spread the word!

Next week we will be discussing “The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers” chapter11, “Love and Indepenece.”

See you at Symposium Coffee, Thursdays at 10am!

~kristi J

Love and Anger: Help for Parents

“The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers” Chapter 9

Oy. How many times have you just blown it? You know what I’m talking about…even though we all come about it a little differently, and show it differently. You have been mad before, and you haven’t managed your anger well.

The authors of this book believe that “mismanaged anger is behind many of the broken relationships between parents and teens.” They say that love and anger are opposite sides of the same coin, that “love seeks the good of the other person and so does rightly directed anger.” They also say that “the purpose of anger is to motivate us to take loving action; that is, to do something to try to turn the teenager or parent in the right direction.”

So, anger by itself isn’t the problem…what we do with it is where we can have problems. Much of this chapter walked through breaking bad habits with managing our anger. First, the authors say we need to admit the truth: I have mismanaged my anger. Second, we need to develop a strategy and have a plan of what we will do when we feel anger. There were some great ideas in the book. Third, we need to carefully look at our options. Either we need to release our anger…because it is our problem to work on, or we have a misunderstanding, or we need to have a positive conversation to resolve the situation. Of course, that is an art in itself.

As a group, we had an interesting discussion about whether we personally explode or implode in anger, and how that influences how we parent. We realize that we have quite a burden of responsibility in this area because we often teach our teens how we deal with our anger. Of course, this also is very applicable in a marriage relationship and the same perspective and strategies would be very useful.

I guess I need to get healthy first. J

Next meeting we will discuss chapter 10, Love and Anger: Help for Our Teens. More good stuff.  Then we will take a break for Christmas.

See you Thursday! ~k

Discovering Your Teen's Primary Love Language

Today we mostly chatted about life. Sometimes it’s messy, sometimes it’s hard, and sometimes it’s so wonderful, it takes your breath away and you wish you could capture it in a bottle. We sure love our families, and sometimes it’s just complicated!
Yes, teens are moody and difficult to read. This chapter encouraged us to really watch our kids and pay attention. They are constantly in a state of flux, so it makes sense that their preferences also change like the wind. If you can figure out their primary and maybe secondary love language, great; but don’t forget the other three languages. They need to experience all 5 love languages, so they can in turn speak those languages as adults.

Just love ‘em every way you can!

See you December 1^st! We are discussing chapter 9, “Love and Anger: Help for Parents.” I’ll admit, now is when the book gets really good. We have a foundation of understanding our kids and these authors’ perspective on teens, and now we get in the trenches.

If you are behind on the book, forget about the chapters in between…just read chapter 9. Or not. J See ya tomorrow at Symposium at 10am!

~kristi

Boundaries and promoting responsibility with your teenager

So, we are sitting at Symposium Coffee this morning, and guest speaker Marriage & Family counselor Travis Waits passes out his business card to everyone. He tells us to write “Who owns the problem?” on the back. Oh boy. This is gonna be good! He saw the book we are going through and recommended it. He said much of what he will discuss today is written about in the book “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic” by Cline and Fay and “Boundaries with Teens” by Townsend.

The first thing he says is, “We as parents often do way too much!”  He said we should do nothing for someone that they can or should do themselves. Helping is rescuing unless they are physically or emotionally unable to do the job. If your kid can reach the table, he should set and clear the table. Travis said that taking responsibility away from them is disrespecting them. Wow.

Proverbs 22:6 says “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Travis pointed out that we need to teach our teens how to be a healthy adult, considering their unique personality and strengths. We need to “raise them to release them.” He said we don’t want to circumvent their free will; that we need to train them to use their free will to make good choices. The bummer is that we have absolutely no control over their free will. So, we need to promote responsibility through choices.

Imagine a road with guard rails on each side. The teen is free to drive anywhere on the road, but the parents set up the boundaries. As the teen is older, the road becomes wider and wider until, at age 18, there are no guard rails. He said a boundary isn’t a boundary unless there is a consequence.

So, we asked, where should we place the guard rails (boundaries) in our teen’s life? Travis answered, “Whatever you want to stay sane.” What? He explained that our marriages are going to last our lifetime, while parenting our children will not. Parenting should to be a dictatorship; a unified front where the kids will always lose a power struggle. He said the golden bullet is consistency…that we are to correct behavior, not fix it.

It is true that many mom’s identity is a little wrapped in up in their kids. When your child is misbehaving, it’s common for mom to feel like a failure, like it’s somehow your fault. If I was just a better parent, this problem wouldn’t exist. If we feel this way, it’s a sign that we are owning their problems.

“The most important thing isn’t what you do when you do it, but  it’s what you do after it’s done.” Huh? Travis explained that we can shift gears with our parenting style at any time. He recommended that you discuss this plan with your spouse, make a list of all chores and possible consequences and together hold a family meeting.

At this meeting, you say that you are sorry you have been too involved in your teen’s life. Your teen needs to make their own choices and live their own life. Apologize for your over-involvement and say you’d like to make a fresh start. Usually, this will turn their heads around. What? I can live my own life and make my own choices? Bring it! But, you are not done.

So, you are going to take off your nurturing/parenting hat and put on a consultant/coach hat. You will set up rules and responsibilities for your teens and they will be free to choose if they follow them. Only, if they choose not to follow the rules and do their chores, they will have a consequence. They have the freedom to choose what to do, but they will not choose the consequence. At the meeting, pull out your list of chores and expectations and consequences.

For example, if you choose not to do the dishes, that is just fine, but you will not have dinner. No argument, no problem…bummer for you. It was your choice. If you don’t want to fold the family’s laundry, no problem…you can do all of your own laundry for a month. No arguing, no yelling, no debate. Make your choice and take the consequence.

One thing Travis recommended having zero tolerance for is disrespect. He said to have a consequence lined up ready to go for the first offence. He also recommended that each spouse refer to each other as “my husband” or “my wife” in a parenting situation. It raises the person in the hierarchy of the family. It is different to hear “Don’t talk to my wife that way” compared to “Don’t talk to mom that way.” It is subtle and powerful.

Of course, your teens will not like these expectations and consequences, but hold your ground. Small changes are successful over time. But sometimes parents choose to go cold turkey and overhaul the family dynamic. If you do that, expect a tough transition of 5-7 days. Emotions are like indicator lights on a dashboard. They usually are connected to a need, and they don’t make you do anything. Both you and your teens don’t need to be ruled by them.

Another analogy from Travis is that we want to be like a thermostat in our home. We set the tone with our steady emotion. We don’t want to be like a barometer that reacts to every circumstance. As parents, we need to be sure to take care of ourselves…get plenty of sleep and some exercise. J Parent like a duck. A duck is calm on top, but scrambling like crazy underwater. We need to be healthy ourselves to do this. We might be freaking out about a situation, but never let them see you sweat.

So, who owns the problem? J Not me.

Love Language #3: Quality Time

You are saying goodnight to your teen, expecting to return to your evening, when they pull out a zinger. You know, one of those comments. They are just about begging for a discussion about something important to them. You can shrug them off with a vague answer, or invest maybe an hour or two into your relationship. Gary Chapman says, “To give your teenager quality time is to give your teenager a portion of your life.” Unlike most other love languages, this one takes time.

How flexible are you? Are you planning activities around your likes, or have you listened to the heartbeat of your teen to discover what touches them? We discussed the difference between speaking with our teens compared to speaking at our teens. It involves listening and hearing; allowing our teens to speak their heart without our interjection of anything. “We must learn to help her evaluate her ideas, understand her emotions, and take realistic steps toward accomplishing her dreams. And we must learn to do this in a friendly, encouraging atmosphere of dialogue rather than the dogmatic statements of monologue.” Ouch.

On November 10, we will have Travis Waits, a Marriage & Family Therapist will come to speak at our group. He had suggested a number of topics including: how to help your marriage survive your teenagers, how to talk to your teens about sex, and boundaries and promoting responsibility with your teen. We decided to ask Travis to discuss “Boundaries and promoting responsibility with your teen.”

Our next discussion will be about Chapter 6 “Love Languages #4: Acts of Service.”

Can’t wait! J ~k