Shootin' the breeze...

Well. We are done with our books. Our guest speakers have amazed, inspired and challenged us.

Yet. We are not done.

Please, can we keep meeting? It’s the only thing I do for myself, and you all keep me sane. Heads nod in agreement, including mine.

So this is the plan. We will keep our reservation at Symposium Coffee in Sherwood and meet on Thursdays from 10 – 11:30am to shoot the breeze. I think we can fill the time quite nicely…

See ya upstairs. J

~kristi

Is my kid a moron or just a teenager?

“Is my kid a moron or just a teenager?” a few thoughts from Branden Campbell
April 5, 2012

We have all said it, usually with great volume and exasperation: “What were you thinking?” Why is it that our once intelligent and rational 10 year old has morphed into a thoughtless ding dong 13 year old? When they were 10, they’d put on a coat when it was raining. When they are 13 they stand in the rain getting soaked. Is it just me, or did my teenager turn into a moron? Branden Campbell, the high school youth pastor at Rolling Hills Community Church has some answers.

It’s normal. Really. Expect it. Don’t freak out, and don’t worry…they will get over it. When they are 25. Yippee.

It has been discovered (by those who study these things) that the human brain is not fully developed at age 13 like previously thought. When a person is somewhere between the ages of 11 and 13, their brain goes through a growth spurt of sorts and transitions from concrete thinking to abstract thinking. This transition is messy and they need to figure things out all over again. When they say they “forgot” to wash the dishes…they probably did.

For example, your teen could give a touching monologue of how much they love you. Then, they turn around and 30 minutes later do something that absolutely crushes you.  They don’t understand why you are upset. Their brain simply cannot connect their actions and the words they just spoke. They cannot think through the consequences of their actions, and they can’t think through other scenarios that could have happened. This is another reason why it seems they live a double life. They act one way at youth group, and another way at school.

Great. Now what? How do we function with this? How do we parent?

Branden recommended that we really focus on walking our teens through responsibility lessons. We need to continue to expect things to be done, and natural consequences to follow. Logic needs to be taught. Our current book, “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic” falls perfectly into this suggestion.

He also recommends that you encourage your teen to be involved with other adult mentors that can help them find new ways to answer their faith and life questions. Now that their brain is abstract, the old answers just don’t work anymore. When your teen was 10, you could teach them that God is love and they could accept that. When they are 13, they are more aware of the injustice in the world and that becomes a much more complicated issue they need to wrestle with.

Branden believes that as a whole, parents of teens protect their kids too much. We need to gently teach responsibility and how to fail without falling apart. We need to share our failure and struggles with our teens to demonstrate that there is freedom to fail in life.

“Home needs to be a place where it’s okay not to be okay.” ~Branden Campbell
‘Nuff said. J

Awkward, weird and difficult...talking to your teens about sex

Terra Mattson, a Family & Marriage Counselor, talked to us about "Talking to your teens about sex." Okay. This will be awkward, weird and difficult, so let’s just jump in. J

Terra said that best thing parents can do for their kids is to talk about sex a lot. Let it be a daily discussion. It’s awkward and hard, but crucial. Sex gets such a shameful and dirty connotation, and that can be broken by parents creating an environment where teens can talk freely.

When talking to your teens in general, Terra recommends five basic steps. 1) When your teen is talking…go mute. Just don’t talk at all. 2) When they have made their point, mirror it back to them (without emotion!) and ask if there is a point you have missed. 3) Find some way to validate something they said. It shows you heard and can come alongside them in one aspect or another. 4) Have empathy for how they feel. It doesn’t mean you agree with them, but you can understand why they might feel the way they do. Finally, when they are relaxed because they have been heard, 5) ask their permission to share your thoughts. If they say ‘no,’ then respect their wishes and the conversation is over. Most often, they will agree and will listen to your two cents on the issue. To recap:

1)   Go mute
2)   Mirror their point
3)   Validate something
4)   Empathy for their feelings
5)   Ask permission to share

We want to be the teachers of this subject. School and society and friends usually have it all wrong. Besides the physical act, sex is all about bonding with someone. Talk about how great it is rather than it being a great taboo that is bad. You can be the only voice in your teen’s life explaining that sex is good and wonderful in a committed relationship.

Terra gave a few great examples to share with your teen to demonstrate how you bond with someone when you have sex. Take a paper heart, and explain that every time you have sex with someone, you rip off a piece of your heart and give it away. You can encourage your teen to keep their heart whole for when they are married.

A question you can ask your teen is “What do you want to be?” Encourage them to create healthy boundaries for relationships, and even role play situations they may encounter when on a date. Terra’s experience is that many clients have come to her saying, “I just didn’t know what to do” or “I didn’t understand what was happening” in a crisis situation.

There is a difference between shame and guilt, Terra explained. Shame says, “I am bad, something’s wrong with me.” Guilt says, “I did something wrong, but I can make it right.” Don’t produce shame in your teens! Children seem themselves through their parent’s eyes, even when they are older. So, you can make all the difference in the world.

Terra recommended any book by Danna Gresh (PureFreedom.org) to ask your kids to read, or read together. You can find a list of other resources at Terra’s website: LivingWholehearted.com.

See you Thursday!
~ kristi J

Treating Teenagers as Responsible Adults

We started our discussion with some moms sharing various victories with keeping calm and quiet when they know they would have panicked even a few weeks ago.  It is so exciting to discover that we can change the atmosphere in our homes and reduce drama!

As we reviewed Chapter 4, we talked about the “V of Love” by Sylvia B. Rimm, PhD on page 71. It made sense to us as it was presented in the book, but a few moms could think of a few exceptions to the example. We could think of people who have raised their kids with little or no control as children and have had to “tighten the reins” as they grow older. We also recognize that it is ideal to allow fewer choices as our children are young and broaden their choices the older they are. However, what about adults who are now control freaks? Where did that come from? We also noted that some parents don’t have a “v” but more of a ladder with continuous control regardless of the age of their children. These must be questions for Dr. Rimm. One mom summed up this part of this discussion well when she said, “We can either repeat or redeem our childhood problems.” J

Chapter 4 talked about different things we can and cannot control with teens. Three things we need to control are 1) respect from teens and from parents, 2) basic conduct in family life, and 3) control of the home environment. Things parents can’t control are: making a teen speak, share our values, and forcing them to learn. Instead, parents need to advise, ask questions and present options. We were thinking of coming up with a wall decoration saying “advise, ask questions, present options” as a reminder.

One question that was raised was if teens have enough abstract thinking abilities to understand the big picture of why it’s important to chores such as clean the toilet. We talked about they are building skills for setting up their own place, and that household chores simply need to be done. There is a cause and effect for maintaining your home, or other healthy habits.

We need to offer our teens choices that they can freely choose from where we are comfortable with any answer they choose. “If we tell them do to something we can’t make them do, we give them too much control.” This means we need to be thoughtful of our responses to situations. It was refreshing to be reminded that it’s usually best to delay our response when we are inwardly freaking out, and take time to consider many options and maybe consult others. We liked the word choices mentioned on page 79, “You’re welcome to _ or_.” “Feel free to _ or _.” “Would you rather _ or _?” or “What would be best for you,  _ or _?” Good stuff!

Much of this chapter talked about how to speak to your teens, and it’s very positive. Instead of telling teens what they can’t do, we can focus on what we will allow, what we will do, or what we will provide. Instead of saying, “I’m not driving you to the dance until your homework is done.” You say, “I’m happy to drive you to the dance when your homework is done.” Same action and boundaries, but it puts the decision on the teen. A subtle and powerful difference.

This chapter has a lot of nuts and bolts of how to interact with teens and we agreed that it was a lot to process. We have a guest speaker next week, and many of us are going to reread the chapter and ask our husbands to as well.

Terra Mattson, a local Marriage & Family Therapist will be joining us March 8^th to discuss talking to our teens about sex. Wahoo! J

See you then! ~kristi

Training Teens to Act Responsibly

Wouldn’t you just be devastated if your college freshman called you in a panic and passed the phone to the registrar to attempt to get into a closed class? They are so used to parents solving their problems that they are incapable to work through them alone. I guess this is pretty common. How scary!

Many of us realized that we need to start “weaning” our teens into making some of their own decisions. It is so easy to fall into the trap of involving ourselves in our children’s lives for their best interest. For many cases, this is necessary. We can’t be an expert in everything our child encounters, but we can be their advocate. We can push back when the doctor dismisses a symptom when your child is sick, and we can meet with teachers when there is a communication gap with a project. But, at some point, we need to step back and let our child find their own voice.

This chapter discussed ways we can damage our teen’s self-concept, and ways to build their self-concept. We can build our teens’ self-concept by showing unconditional love, model healthy self-concept yourself, communicate that you value your teen, your teen can think, and your teen have control, and provide chances for teens to own their decisions.

“We’d like to be able to help our kids, but ironically, this strong desire to help and care for other people can become our worst enemy in caring for our teens. If this desire leads to overprotection, it will thwart opportunities for them to learn responsibility.” Oy.

We discussed  that we have felt that we always need to have a meaningful consequence to any action ready in our back pocket, and once we declare a consequence, it can’t be revoked. This isn’t true. It is okay to tell your teen that you need to think about what happened, and that they need to go to their room while you think (and pray!). This way they can ponder what they did and what you will do. Also, if you react to a situation and regret the consequence you gave, it’s okay to come back to your teen (not so much with younger children) and tell them that you have given the situation more thought and have changed your mind. It will provide an opportunity to discuss the scenario more objectively, and also give you a chance to apologize for overreacting if this happened.

Another favorite quote is: “Lessons always cost more tomorrow than they do today, so the earlier our adolescents are allowed to face the consequences of their decisions and learn from them, the better.”

So, we decided that we need to rehearse a few lines to help us not to react to a situation. Be very honest and sincere when you say, “Oh, bummer! That is really too bad this happened.” Teens see right through sarcasm and you really need to mean it. Empathy is really powerful. Then you gently say, “So. What are you going to do about it?”

Last favorite quote from the book, “As the parent, you must also focus on what is controllable by telling your teens what you are going to do, not what they are going to do.”

It’s all about letting go. We are all working ourselves out of a job, right? J

Teenagers 101

This was a little scary. The first chapter of “Parening Teens with Love & Logic” gave examples of parents who chose to leave their teens in jail a little bit and didn’t bail them out as soon as possible. We sat at the table, looking around at each other in shock.  I found myself saying, “I hope my worst scenario is dealing with a speeding ticket or a fender-bender!” I never thought I’d say that!

Chapter 2 proves to be more inspiring, and I’m looking forward to jumping into that chapter, but this first chapter did serve as a great reminder of the value of discipline and consequences today. We had some great brainstorming ideas of different consequences for little things our teens do when they disobey. One mom has found a “consequence spinner” at http://shop.fisher-kids.com . This way the teen spins the spinner and a consequence to poor behavior is decided. There is even a “grace space!” Another mom had a jar with random chores in it for their children to grab from. This way parents don’t have to come up with something on the spot.

We all agreed that the spinner or jar would be great for smaller infractions, but good parenting is doing the right thing when the wrong thing happens. We want to teach our teens for figure out for themselves how to make good choices. “Using Love & Logic doesn’t mean we transfer all our answers or values to our teens. Instead we help place them in situations where they can discover answers and values on their own.”

We talked about how extremely our teens are changing, and that the rules of the game never seem to stay the same long enough for us stay on top of things.  Many of us agreed that the following quote is something we need to have in our back pocket: “I love you too much to argue with you, and I am in no state to solve this right now, but you (…fill in the blank of wrong choice…) and you are going to have to find a solution for this. Let’s go to bed and we can discuss it again later. Let me know what you figure out.”

The rest of this book is chock full of a fresh mind-set that will give our teens wings. We will learn that parents should take care of themselves first, let our children own their own problems, and allow them to live with the consequences of their decisions.

Bring it.

See you Thursday at Symposium Coffee in Sherwood at 10am.
~k

"Communication" with Krina Mallgren

When you go to a foreign country, and you do not speak their language, you are in a pickle. When your teen leaves the house and if you do not have good communication, you are in a pickle. What can we do to establish great communication that will carry us through our teen’s adult life?
Krina Mallgren, who works with the high school ministry at Rolling Hills Community Church, had some great pointers and profound points. She said, “Communication is how a teen shapes their identity. It’s how they identify what they think of themselves.”

She said that communication is built on trust. Not whether or not you have trust, but if your trust expanding. As your teen grows and matures, are they able to safely share themselves with you? We should realize that just as youth group students are not expect to initiate a friendship with their adult leader, parents need to initiate a relationship with their teen. Krina recommended that parents need to get into their teen’s world. What do they like, what hobbies do they have? She encouraged us not to let fear or comfort drive you in this quest. She said we will feel awkward and oddly placed, but it is crucial.

So, as a group, we shared ideas of different ways we can invade our teen’s lives. One suggestion was to simply take them to lunch every now and then and chat. Request that the teen doesn’t invite friends to lunch, too. J (Although sometimes, that’s not bad either!) One mom encouraged her son’s “extreme couponing” ideas, and they saved a ton of money! We also realized that we can simply ask our teens what they’d like to do to spend time together.

Another fantastic, profound point Krina made was that our teen builds their own identity. We can encourage them, but ultimately it’s up to the teen. As they are building their identity, we need to speak into them deliberately. Do we gush about how beautiful our daughter is when she’s dressed for the prom, but not when she is kind to her younger brother? Do we talk about how proud we are of our son when he scores the winning goal, but not when he shows good sportsmanship when the team loses? If we build up our teen with praise over accomplishments, we can be setting them up for a huge identity crisis when they are no longer able to accomplish those things. It’s easy to imagine that the 4.0 student is devastated when they struggle to get a C in Physics. They will be shaken to their core when they can’t maintain their identity.

We need to affirm the character traits that are ongoing for life. What about being proud of honesty, effort, friendship and loyalty? We need to speak into their unique individuality. Catch your teen doing something good and compliment it clearly. When you say you admire something they did, you are treating them as a young adult, as a peer. When you say you are proud of them, it’s a little condescending…like you are patting them on the head.

As parents, we need to release the pressure of responsibility of your teen creating their identity. They need to be their own person, and we can help shape that by affirming and complimenting positive character traits they will take with them their whole life.

Krina suggested that we not tell our teens what do to. This just sets up a confrontation. Instead, she suggests that we set boundaries, offer choices and ask questions. Guide the conversation towards a healthy decision. She said to draw our possible outcomes of different options they are considering.  Ask the teen what they are thinking of doing, and take it to the logical next step and consequence. Listen to their response, and maybe suggest another idea or option for them to choose, and take that to the logical next step. Compliment them on your confidence they will make a good choice (within the boundaries you have set), and walk away.  Life will create its own rewards and consequences to their choice.

Here is a common scenario Krina shared with us. Your teen wants to go and hang out with friends on Saturday afternoon, but the family rules are that their chores need to be done first. They haven’t done their chores. So, it’s common that you ask your teen, “Are your chores done?” When they say no, the argument commences. Sound familiar? Krina suggests this response instead, “You are welcome to go hang out with your friends when your chores are done.” Then when they get mad, you say, “I’ll be happy to chat with you when you are calm. You can find me in the kitchen.” And walk away. Most likely, they will finish their chores and approach you to see friends. Instead of being a tyrant that doesn’t allow fun, you are inviting them to follow the guidelines that have been already established. You are not saying no! You are putting the responsibility on them to complete what is expected of them.

This lines up nicely with our next book, “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic.” If you do not have your copy, please contact me, and we can coordinate getting it to you very soon. Next week, please read chapter one, and I will see you then!

~kristi J

Love and Responsibility

“Freedom and responsibility are opposite sides of the same coin – one never exists without the other.” Yup. As adults functioning in today’s world, we know this is true. We are allowed the freedom of having lights in the house as long as we pay the electric bill on time. The trick is parenting your teen to discover this for themselves.

Chapman points out that “the idea that teenagers will rebel if parents establish boundaries is untrue. In fact, research indicates that ‘the majority of adolescents feel that their parents are reasonable and patient with them most of the time. More than half admit ‘when my parents are strict, I feel that they are right, even when I get angry.’” We all agreed that this was encouraging. Let’s not assume that our teens are going to flip out if we say “no.”

Here is an interesting idea: include your teen with the process of forming rules and setting consequences. Have a meeting together and discuss what is a reasonable expectation and a reasonable consequence. Parents are still the authority and have the final say, but they will be wiser for hearing out their teen. Often, the teen is more strict with the consequence ideas than the parent. Also, Chapman points out that the teen will believe the rule is fair and less likely to rebel if they had a voice in the process. Have you tried this? Here’s how:

1: Rules should be as few as possible. Decide what the really important issues are. The objective is to create boundaries in which your teen will make healthy choices. God came up with the Ten Commandments, and Jesus summarized them into two. We aren’t God, but keep it to a minimum.

2: Rules should be as clear as possible. This way the teen knows they have broken the rule. Otherwise, you are certain to have an argument about exactly how they didn’t break the rule. J

3: Rules should be as fair as possible. Listen to your teen. This is really important and can make all the difference.

Next, Chapman discusses consequences. He states that rules with no consequences are worthless and confusing. Here are three of his guidelines:

1: Consequences should be determined before a violation. This is huge, and has made a big difference in my house. When a rule is broken, parent and teen knows what happens next. The parent is less likely to overreact in anger or frustration, and the teen is more likely to accept the consequence.

2: Consequences should be administered with love. This isn’t a time for vengeance, but a time to show unconditional love. Sympathize with them genuinely, but don’t back off for a second!

3: Consequences should be administered consistently. Duh. J

Next Chapman discussed how to grow responsibility in your teen. Basically, establish things they need to do, and rewards for doing it, and consequences for not doing it. Some areas to do this are: housework, schoolwork, driving, money management and dating. It is tricky to come up with fresh consequences that relate to the responsibility, and our group has discussed coming up with a “creative consequences” list. We will start compiling our ideas and post them on the blog sometime soon.

Stay posted!

~kristi J

Love and Independence

This was a fantastic chapter of “The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers.” Again, we didn't even discuss the entire chapter! All of us found it encouraging that our teens really do still want to be with us, but they want to look older and more independent. This is why they seem to shun us at times. It’s not personal…it’s about independence!
One section of the chapter that we really camped on was about having their own car and who pays for what. We all agreed that teaching financial responsibility is completely crucial for teens, but we didn’t all agree on how much a teen should pay for what. It does seem that today, teens need a car to have a job, but they need a job to buy a car. Obviously, each family is different, and it was interesting to hear our own stories of our first car and how it was obtained. I think the key is being on the same page as your spouse, and being deliberate with a plan for teaching responsibility.

We also discussed whether or not to require teens to attend family functions. The author said that if a teen has plans already in place when a family event is scheduled, the teen should be allowed to bow out. A few of us had issue with this, and it made for an interesting discussion.  We decided that it really depended on what the teen’s “plans” were. If they had been coordinating a bunch of friends to go to a movie, it doesn’t seem fair to demand they drop everything to visit Aunt Mable when she stops by at the last minute on a road trip. However, some family events need to be attended by the entire family, and if the teens “plans” are to simply hang out somewhere else, that doesn’t work.

Overall, it was a good idea planted that sometimes teens need an “out” from a family event, but parents have every right to put their foot down on some occasions. We talked also about planning events that everyone enjoys. Sometimes the whole family can enjoy something the teen loves. That can go a long way. How about asking the teen what they’d like to do on vacation? Also, if the family needs to attend something that really isn’t enjoyed by all…why not all go to ice cream afterwards?

Sounds fun to me.

See you next week for chapter 12 “Love and Responsibility” next Thursday at Symposium Coffee at 10am.

~kristi J

What Do You Want For Your Kids When They Leave The House?

What do you want for your kids when they leave the house? Hmmm. Matt Stein, youth pastor of Countryside Community Church posed this question to us. Our answers varied from, “that they will speak to us!” to the profound “that they would be prepared for faith challenges.” It certainly got the ball rolling! On the most part, we responded that we want our kids prepared to be successful from the get-go. We want them to be financially responsible, take the values we taught them and make them their own, make great friends that support their faith and values, and we as moms understand that our work is cut out for us and we need to start early for this to happen.

Then Matt outlined what he saw life is like for young adults, freshly on their own. He said they feel either really busy, or bored. They have a bit of an “entitlement” attitude; that they are owed things. They feel really good when they do well at something. They are eager for the chance to lead and take charge. They appear “all together” but they are not. They push their parents away, but they still need them, more than ever…and often times young adults have many very real, deep, hurts.

Matt then read a few anonymous prayer requests from his church. Oh, they broke our hearts. One student asked for prayer that their mom would accept them for who they are. That they felt they were never good enough. Another request was for peace as they are really busy and feel overwhelmed. A third asked for help with a very bad body image, and the last talked about feeling extreme shame, sadness and loneliness.

We talked about the importance of other spaces and people that are a safe outlet for our teens. So many times our kids won’t come to us to talk about how they are feeling, but they may speak to a counselor, youth leader or coach.

We took a few moments to read “Youth Ministry in an Age of Delayed Adulthood” by Chap Clark. Clark discusses that it is pretty clear when the change to adulthood starts: adolescence. But, it is much more fuzzy to determine when adolescence ends. This is a change from previous generations. Teens today have a “Patchwork Self” view of themselves where they see themselves differently at each aspect of their life: school, sports, church and family, and they are okay with that. Matt claimed that as parents, we need to connect those different “patchwork dots” to increase our teen’s self-awareness. This will give our teen a greater sense of who they are, and this is huge.

Matt then asked what we see that seems to help teens thrive as young adults.  We shared a lot of different observations.  Positive reinforcement; don’t talk down to them; empower them and set the bar high; treat them as adults and don’t allow the luxury of immature behavior; provide and encourage stretching experiences. We also talked about a “Blessing Ceremony” where at a pivotal birthday, invite influential adults to gather and encourage and give advice to your teen. This had been experienced in a few families, and had been a very powerful experience.

A shameless plug. J “Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations” by Alex & Brett Harris is a book written by teens for teens. The back cover says: “Most people don’t expect you to understand what we’re going to tell you in this book. And even if you understand, they don’t expect you to care. And even if you care, they don’t expect you to do anything about it. And even if you do something about it they don’t expect it to last. WE DO.” It even has a forward by Chuck Norris. For real.

Okay, we are wrapping up “The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers” in the month of January. On February 2 we have Krina Mallgren, High School Girls Director at Rolling Hills Community Church coming to share about communication. We will then move on to our second book, “Parenting Teens with Love & Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood” by Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay. If you’d like to place an order for the $17 book, please contact me at we4nolans@gmail.com right away, and I need the funds by January 19^th. This is a fantastic time to invite other friends to join this group. Spread the word!

Next week we will be discussing “The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers” chapter11, “Love and Indepenece.”

See you at Symposium Coffee, Thursdays at 10am!

~kristi J